Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Mama Zombie

If anyone out is thinking that it seems like a good idea to give birth to a second (or third or fourth) baby while your husband is deployed, I'm going to strongly suggest you consider otherwise.  I would never, ever, ever, ever, never choose to do this again.  Really, never, ever.  Really.  So, maybe I am completely sleep deprived and frustrated right now, but still.  You've been warned.  It sounds hard, right?  Well, it is actually way harder than it sounds.  Truth.  

My 5-month-old was up at 2:30, then my 2-year-old was up at 3.  Then my 2-year-old was up at 4 and stayed up until 6:30 & my 5-month old was up from 4:30-6:30.  It is now 6:55 and they are both sleeping and I may be tired, but I am showered which is more than I can say for some days.  Why won't my babies sleep?  The answer is "I have no freaking idea why they aren't sleeping better".   

I do know that my daughter (the 2-year-old) was an excellent sleeper (started sleeping through the night at about 10 weeks old) until my husband deployed and we moved into my parent's house (we chose to do that because we were stationed in Germany and I was pregnant).  She still sleeps through the night most of the time, but she has these phases where she won't.  And, honestly, she hasn't been the same since Chris came home and left from R&R.  Those two have a bond that is beyond me.  I'm happy about it and all, but it makes for really hard days and nights when she is missing him!  Plus, I've been holding Caleb a lot more than normal since he got his ear infections and it is making Autumn a bit insecure and needy.

My son I'm really at a loss about.  He just isn't a very good sleeper.  He is old enough and certainly big enough (17 pounds) to be sleeping for more than 4 hours at a time.  He doesn't nap very well either.  I've decided to focus on him napping better in hopes that it will bleed over into nighttime sleep.  I am going to try to get him to sleep for 1.5 hours for naps (rock him or let him cry or whatever so when he wakes up after 45 mins, he'll learn to go back to sleep).   This is new ground for me since my daughter took 2 or 2.5 hour naps!  Oh, how different they are.  Not just with sleeping, but with everything.   You think "a baby is a baby is a baby" until you have two and then you realize how utterly foolish you have been to think that!

In good news, Caleb's ears are cleared up.  However, since I have practically been holding him non-stop since he first got his infections 2 weeks ago, he now thinks that if someone isn't holding him, his life will end.  Well, that's how he acts anyway.  I have no idea how to break him of this except let him cry, which I don't want to do, but I will since I obviously can't hold him all the time.   It's fine for now because my mom and dad can help me out some, but in 4 weeks I'm completely on my own until Chris comes back which is who knows when!  So I need to break him of this insane habit now.  Also brand new territory for me.  He didn't used to mind sitting in his bouncy or playing on the floor mat, but now he screams!  It is so frustrating because I feel like I have given him a crutch that is going to make the next few days (while I break him of this habit) hard on him.  

I absolutely cannot wait until my husband is back with us.  I just know that we are needing him so much lately.   I think Autumn will sleep better and that will help me be able to focus on getting Caleb to sleep through the night.  His presence will also encourage me greatly and remind me how precious our children are and even though they are challenging right now, it is just a phase of life and once it's gone, I'll probably want it back.  That is the worst thing about single parenting.  Losing your vision for your children.  I am so bogged down in them needing me so much all the time that I never just enjoy them the way I used to and that is so sad.  It's really only been so crazy and emotionally draining since Caleb got sick 2 weeks ago.  I absolutely cannot imagine having a chronically sick child.  I feel for those families.  

And, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am also looking forward to his return so this mama can catch a break every once in awhile ;)

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