Winter Mornings

This morning, I actually got out of bed before my daughter, which, let me tell you, is a shocker. I am so lazy that most mornings, I most definitely lay there and soak up as much sleep as possible even if it's not needed.  Seriously, sometimes I sleep for 10 hours.  But my husband is never here and I only have 2 friends, so what else am I gonnna do?

Anyway, back to this morning.  I went to brush my porcelain beauties and looked out the window and the world is covered in white.  Snow.  I thought maybe we were done with that business but I guess God has other plans.  Instead of groaning, I just enjoyed it.  It really so pretty with the snow and the "naked" trees.  If you are a Yahoo fan maybe you have seen that picture of the robin in the snow on the "Most Emailed Photos" tab.  (I just love that tab by the way).  I saw that this morning! Except it wasn't a robin, it was this pretty black bird with a white belly. 

Lately, I have not taken the time to enjoy life.  I have been stressed or self-indulgent.  I have been lonely and too worried to notice what's outside my window.  My daughter can always make me laugh and mostly cheer me up, but other than her, I have not noticed God's blessings around me.  (For the record, my husband can also cheer me up, but he's never here).  Now I am not going to go so far as to say snow is a blessing, but beautiful quiet mornings are a gift and  a blessing. 

So, maybe today YOU can take the time to "smell the roses" and find an unexpected/unusual blessing and tell me about it!  I would love to hear about your blessings! :)

Besties are the BEST!!

I guess that's why they're called best friends, huh?  :)

So, as you know I was feeling blue like a blue tick hound 2 days ago.  Weeeeeell, sit back and listen to how awesome God is.  (I know you aren't supposed to end a sentence with the word "is", but what word should I put after "is"?  I can't think of one). 

The very day I wrote my last sad post, I skyped with Red Bestie.  I wasn't even going to mention my feelings to her.  Not because I am ashamed or don't trust her, but because we were talking about books and that is like oxygen to me so I was just basking in my O2 overdose.  But she asked, so I spilled everything I wrote on my blog.  One point she made that made me feel a lot better was this (I am going to attempt to paraphrase her without butchering what she said.  Hope it works): God doesn't prepare us now for what we will experience in the future.  So if in (roughly) 4 months from now you aren't pregnant, you will be in a place to accept that news that you aren't in now (nor do I have to be there now because hello, he's not leaving tomorrow).  It was like, eye opening for me.  I don't have to be ok with not being pregnant now because I still have several months where I might actually get pregnant.  And, if God doesn't want me to be pregnant before Hubby leaves, then He will prepare me for that, but He still has 4 months to do so.  Wow. 

Then, I got an email from Teacher Bestie (who isn't actually a teacher, but she reminds me of a teacher and she would make a really great one).  I won't try to paraphrase and butcher her words, I will just cut a snippet from her email. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent :)  Here it is:  The Lord knows how badly you want another baby, he knows your body, and he knows what you need. All you can do is rest in him and trust his timing. He has had such good plans for you that you never would have dreamed up. Imagine when you first set foot on that plane to go to SK...you had no idea you were hanging out with your future husband... I remember you saying things like you didn't deserve a Godly man, [Hubby] specifically and how long you had been single since becomming a Christian, but God knew exactly how long you needed to wait for your man and look what a good one he gave you! Now he knows exactly how long you need to wait for a second child and he will bless you when you are ready. He also knows when it is best for [Hubby] to have another child and when Miss baby girl is ready to be a big sis. So if the Lord withholds, which of course I am praying that he won't, but if he does, just remember it must be best for [Hubby], baby girl and you.
Yet, another lightbulb moment.  I had just assumed that it was best for Baby Girl and said sibling to be as close in age as possible.  I had just assumed what was best for me was best for my husband and daughter.  As if! I never even thought to look at this issue from that angle.  Of course I want what's best for them more than what's best for me.  I would sacrifice anything to make their lives better!  If it is best for them to wait, then I will wait happily.   

And then, my dad emailed me an article.  I can't exactly call my dad a "bestie" because it just sounds weird, but he is an important part of my life.  The article was about healing and faith and it was really excellent.  I can't exactly paste the whole thing here but I will give you the highlights.
-Don't fight against this pain that God has allowed into your life
-Ask God to make His desires your desires
-Discover the benefits of your suffering (which it talked about...pretty cool idea, huh?)
-There's no limit to the amount of glory you can bring to God by choosing to trust Him in the middle of your pain
It had a lot more to say than that, but it had a lot of good things to think about regarding the benefits of suffering and also how to draw close to God even in pain.

So, just so you know, I am feeling a lot better.  I am actually doing well unless I see someone pregnant or hear about someone having a baby on Facebook or something.  It's not their fault and I am so happy people get to experience what I experienced with Baby Girl, but it still makes me sad when someone talks about their due date or I see newborn pictures.  Funnily enough, Red Bestie is exceptionally pregnant right now and it didn't bother me at all to see her.  I am just so HAPPY for her I can't waste time being sad for myself! Such are the benefits of being best friends I suppose :)

Fear v. Trust

Should my title have been Fear vs. Trust?  I never know if verses is v. or vs.  But, anyway, you get the point. 

Here's the thing.  I want another baby.  I just lost a baby via miscarriage.  I should be content with the living baby I have.  A lot of people would be thrilled beyond words to simply have one baby.  God does things in His own time.  I am a Christian and God will take care of me.   God has blessed me with a beautiful daughter.  But I still want another baby. 

I am trying to be good and not want more than I should have.  I am trying to be content with my one baby.  But I am struggling big time.  Everything is relative and for every person who wants a baby and doesn't have one I can show you a person who has a baby and doesn't want it.  Just look up the number of abortions in your town to see what I mean.  It's apalling, but anyway. 

I want another baby so bad I can't hardly let myself think about it or I get upset.  Here it is in black and white: my husband is deploying in a few months and I am scared to death that I won't be pregnant before he leaves. There, I said it.  And now I want to cry. 

Why oh why can't I trust God with this?  When he decided to take our baby away, I totally trusted that He would take care of us and He did.  I knew it was His timing and His timing is best.  I still know that, but I am gripped with what feels like uncontrollable fear that He won't bless me with another baby before Hubby leaves.

Why is that so bad?  What is wrong with waiting another year?  The thought brings tears of sadness to my eyes.  I don't know why.  I know that a year is not forever, but I want another baby now.   At least soon.   I want a big family and I want to add another child to it now.  I have wanted another baby since Baby Girl was about 3 months old.  Why can't I trust God with this? 

I love my daughter so much.  She brings so much JOY to each and every day (well, some days I act like a pickled beet, but most days I am a good mom).  She is just about perfect in my eyes.  But as much as I tell myself she is enough, there is an overwhelming longing for more.  I feel guilty.  I feel like I am asking for the cake and the icing too or whatever that saying says.  Did God put this longing within me or am I seeking my own version of happiness without his stamp of approval? 

Every day I just wait for my body to heal so we can try again.  I am not trusting God, I am freaking out.  But I KNOW in my heart of hearts that God is good.  I know He took our baby for a reason and I know He will bless us in the future.  I hope it is with more children, but it may not be, as much as that scares me.  Even though I know of and speak of God's goodness, I am still not trusting in that goodness.  I don't know what I am doing exactly.  It is out of my hands so it's not like I am doing my own thing.  I am just not at peace I guess. 

Hence, the title of this post.  Fear v. Trust.  Right now, fear is winning, but I hope to update you all again soon that that is not the case anymore.  Everyday is a battle I suppose.  I just have to take it one day at a time as my sweet Hubby tells me. 

Blog Bling

My blog is blingless. I think I am going to work on that. Maybe. I'm not a HTML genius, so it might be too hard to bling up my blog, but we'll see.

However, one easy way to bling up a blog is to post some pictures which I seriously do not do enough of these days. So, here's some baby bling for you all!

Kisses

Yes, who doesn't like kisses?  Kisses are wonderful, no? 

Well, my daughter, who has not even turned one yet, is stingy with her kisses.  I mean, she shouldn't be Little Miss Independence yet, right???  That is down the road a bit I thought!

Oh, she knows how to give kisses.  And if I harass her enough, she will give me one.  The other day I left her with a friend for a few minutes and when I came back she laid one on me as if to say "I missed you mommy".  BUT, she doesn't freely give them to me :(  To which her daddy says "good girl, never kiss anyone". 

Sheesh.  Babies are only babies for about 5 minutes

Odds & Ends

So sorry it's been so long since I last posted.  Our Internet was off for almost 4 weeks so at least I have an excuse!

I have been feeling down today.   We miscarried our baby last week so I'm sure it has something to do with that.  I am still lonely too.  I would think I would get used to the solitude, but I haven't.  I have Internet now which means I'm back on Facebook and getting emails and we even have a phone that calls America for free, but that just doesn't cut it.  Talking to someone on the phone or even Skyping with someone is not the same thing as having people over for dinner or going to grab a Starbucks.  I miss person to person interaction.  We have also not found a church :(  There aren't a lot of English speaking options over here obviously and the ones we have visited have been alright, but we miss our church back home.  The funny thing is when we attended our church back home we weren't even that involved.  Plus, Baby Girl is dealing with separation anxiety and while I don't mind letting her cry a bit, I feel bad for the nursery workers having to deal with her.  She won't even play on the floor in the nursery...someone has to hold her the entire church service so it makes me not even want to take her.  It's not her fault.  Her entire life has been spent in temporary places where her mommy has no friends and therefore no one to watch her so she is with me 24/7.  I would love to leave her with someone so me and Hubby can go out to eat, but that just isn't an option.  So of course she is attached to me, but it's not her fault.  It's not really my fault either.  6 months in Oklahoma with a newborn and 3 months in Germany with an infant doesn't exactly lend itself to me being a social butterfly.

Plus, the one person who is here for me (Hubby) is mad at me right now so I feel extra alone.  He's at work anyway.  Don't know when I'll see him again. 

I have to mention that I have made one friend here.  And she has really been wonderful.  When I have had to do things that were not baby friendly, she has always watched Baby Girl for me willlingly and happily.  Last week when we found out about the baby she brought us two separate meals and took Baby Girl while we went to the hospital.  I am very grateful for her.  And I hear from my mom that another friend (whom I haven't met yet...well, not in person, but we have been emailing) will be here on Friday.  She also has a daughter so I'm excited to meet them and maybe have some playdates!  Baby playdates sound like fun to me :)  I'm such a mom...and I love it :)

Well, that's about as much of an update as I can give you.  I promise I won't let 4 weeks go by again without posting!