I'll Tell You a Secret

I love love love Martha Stewart.  It's true. 

BUT, I am scared of her.  If we were friends, she would totally hurt my soft feelings so I hope I never meet her.  Unless it's in Heaven, then we'll both be whole and healthy and like Jesus so we should get along ;)

I'll Tell You a Secret

I love the Disney Channel.  Definitely my favorite cable station.  As a matter of fact, I am watching it right now because Baby Girl is sleeping and mom and dad are at church.  Actually, I pretty much watch it whenever I am alone and don't feel like reading.

 Don't tell anyone-it's kinda embarassing :)

I'll Tell You a Secret

Or maybe five since I don't have anything else to blog about.

1.) I eat capers. Straight from the jar.  By the forkful.  I've done it for years. YUM.

2.) I love love love Jimmy Buffet music!  I don't love country and I don't love island music, but I love his music!  Wish I could see him in concert.  That would be awwwwwwesome.

3.) I used to write poetry.  For some reason, that embarrasses me, but I probably have at least 200 poems I've written.

4.) I love being a mom and will stay home as long as I'm able, but I reeeeally miss working.  Like, as soon as all my kids are in school (ha! about 8-10 years from now maybe?), I will be getting a part time job even if it pays minimum wage.

5.) At least one day a week I don't get out of my PJ's until my husband texts me that he's on his way home.  Well, maybe one day every two weeks :)

I'll Tell You A Secret

Just so we are clear, I have not given up on cleaning/decorating my house.  I cleaned Baby Girl's room, but ran out of frames! Grrr!! So I did not want to post pictures until it's finished.  I did, however, buy a rug for the foyer and I LOVE it so here's a picture of that. 

That, right there, is my favorite color I'm pretty sure.  I have tons of clothes that color and that was the color of my bridesmaids dresses.  I think it is called wine or something. 

Ok, my secret for this week is: I wish I could have natural childbirth.  I'll tell you right now I won't.  But I wish I was strong enough to try.  I'm not.  Honestly, there is no debate here.  When (I am saying when, not if because I have hope) I get pregnant again I will be getting an epidural in a hospital with a MD.  But I do love the thought of a water birth with my husband.  It just seems so romantic and more life changing somehow.  My husband would NOT got for a water birth!! I am laughing just thinking about asking him.  And I respect him enough that I wouldn't make him.  He would meet me in the middle-like going natural, but in a hospital.  He is very overprotective of me and out daughter already!  And I love him for it :)

Anyway, I am a wuss.  If my cousin sees this, I am in big trouble because she will try to convert me and I really don't think I can do it! I don't know why, but I don't even want to consider it because then I'm afraid I'll decide to do it and I just don't want to feel that much pain.  What I ultimately wish is that I had a gigantic threshold for pain like my mom.  But, like I said, I am a wuss.  A big wuss.   There's my secret, but don't tell my cousin!! :):):)

I'll Tell You a Secret

I think I might make this a regular posting because I have lots and lots of secrets in me.  It's cathartic to get stuff inside of you out in the open.  And, kinda fun :)

Today, my secret is................................................... (duh duh dum)...........I don't like being an army wife.  Ok, ok, before people start hatin' on me, let me explain.  I dearly love my husband and I would follow him anywhere.  He followed God into the army and I am not going to argue or fight against that reasoning.  I am here and I am dealing with it, but I don't like it. 

I read army wife blogs and I really love reading them.  I love reading them second only to book blogs which says quite a lot since books=oxygen to me.  They write about their husbands, their children, their duty stations, deployments, moving, etc.  It is very interesting and even when I'm not an army wife anymore, I will probably still continue to read them.  The one thing I notice about all of them (at least all of the ones I read) is that they love love love being army wives.  Really???  I mean, really???  I can see being proud and going with the flow, but they genuinely seem to love the army life.  I wish I was there.  I am not and if I'm being honest, I don't see myself getting there until at least post-deployment...if then. 

The thing is,however, that I am an army wife right now. Right now, this very second, I am a wife to an active duty soldier in Germany.  SO, that leads me to believe that God must want me to be a happy army wife.  Except happy isn't the correct word.  Because I am happy.  I love my husband and my daughter and my home and even being in a foreign country isn't so bad now that I'm used to it.  Being happy is not the problem.  It's is more like the difference between surviving and thriving.  I can survive as an army wife.  I've certainly survived worse.  But, I am not thriving as an army wife.  I am biding my time.  I am looking forward to the day when Hubby can "quit" the army and we can have a "normal" life.  (And, yes, I know there is no such thing as a normal life...but you know what I mean, right?  A settled life, a life that involves home owning and getting to know your neighbors because they will be around for more than a year or two). 

This is a secret that goes unsaid most of the time because if you are in the army you are supposed to love it I guess.  You are supposed to smile and say "It's ok that I never see my husband.  It's ok that I feel like a single mother most weeks.  It's ok that I've left everything behind I love just so that I watch my husband work his tail off for no thank you.  It's ok that his job bleeds into our familiy like he's hemorrhaging."  Just keep smiling! Just keep smiling!  

Do army wives really love it?  Or do they just blog about their good days I wonder. I know everyone has bad days, but I am not having a bad day.  I have felt like this for months now.  I don't hate it, but I certainly don't want to do it for 20 years either!  I am not strong enough to be an army wife.  That is my conclusion.  I am too dependant on my man and too lonely without my family.  I know that's not really true because God put me here so I must be able to thrive somehow, some way. 

I hope y'all don't think I hate my life.  I really don't!!  I am not depressed or anything.  I am just trying to figure out why the army wives I see on the Internet seem to love the military life and I don't.  Maybe they have been in the military longer so they have come to terms with it.  I only have 2 real life army friends so I don't have much to compare.  And, it's an issue I don't see addressed openly anywhere. 

Ok, enough jibber jabber.  I've got a baby to feed.  Hope you have a blessed weekend!  Hubby is at work now, but I'm hoping he'll be home for dinner! 

I'll tell you a secret

I love being a mommy.  (No, that isn't my secret, everyone who knows me knows that!).  It is so very rewarding and fun (and tiring!).  I love making my own babyfood.  I love reading to my daughter.  I love nursing her & making her giggle.  My days are well spent.  I am also learning to love being a housewife.  I am not there yet, but I like it more now than I used to.  I mostly enjoy cooking dinner every night & I enjoy the feeling when my kitchen is cleaned up for the night & everything is in it's place.  All that to say that I am pretty happy where I am right now.  I am content with my main goal in life for the next several years to be a good mommy/housewife.  
BUT...here comes my secret.

I want to be a librarian one day.  Like, I fantasize about it.  I want to catalog books and help college students find the resource they need.  I want to be in charge of things and/or people and have responsiblities. I want to have co-workers again.  Oh man, how I miss having co-workers!  I want to be known for myself & not through my husband or my children.  One of my bigger fears as far as the realm of "it's not the end of the world" fears go is that I will never go back to school & I will never be a librarian.  First of all, the degree is like $50,000 (I think).  Second of all, I was never the best student.  Third of all, I am really not self-disciplined enough to do online courses so we would have to live somewhere where that degree is offered and that isn't everywhere. 
BUT...God could work out the details.  Better in His hands than mine.

So, there you go.  My dirty little secret :)