That Fickle Feeling of Failure

We all struggle with it, don't we?   With our spouses, our children, our friends, our church, our pets, our families, our health, and so many more areas.  When I say we "all" struggle with it, that is, of course, an assumption.  I know I struggle with it all the time and I tend to think I am pretty normal, but it's not something that normally comes up in conversation.

I hate that feeling.  That feeling that you have "ruined" something for someone else or for yourself.  Like, for example, I wanted to make Caleb's birth extra special since his daddy wasn't here.  I wanted to take pictures of him with his daddy's dog tags or sitting in an army boot (although I'm pretty sure he was too chubby to do this one!) or and laying in camo or  something. I wanted to mesh his birth with his daddy being in Afghanistan somehow.  And you know what?  I totally, absolutely did not do that.  Nothing!  And, now he is almost 6 months old, that precious newborn stage is GONE and I've failed.  I can never go back and do that.  And, if feels bad.

I beat myself up all the time over things like that.  "I don't write my husband enough emails"  "I'm not patient enough with my 2 year old" "I never pay attention to the dogs" "I should volunteer more" "I am so unhealthy...I should eat more veggies" and so on and so on!

Why do we beat ourselves up like that?

For me, I have this imaginary perfect day/attitude/relationship and if something doesn't match up with my perfect ideal, then I feel like I've FAILED.  And, of course, it's always my fault!  But, I don't think that's right.  I don't think that failure is the correct word.  I don't know what the correct word would be, however.

I wonder where I learned to view life this way??  What part of my journey has taught me that if I'm not perfect, I must be an awful wife, mother, friend, etc.?  The thing is I'm not perfect and I have no doubts about that.  My house is never spotless and my hair is almost always a mess and I bite my nails and I don't exercise.  I am not in denial about those things and actually I accept most of them about myself...but still, I have this idea of "perfection".  I guess it's my own personal Meg-version of perfection.  Some kind of world where it's ok not to mop your floors, but not ok to miss out on the perfect picture opportunity!?

Well.  I'm just rambling now so I'll stop.  I'll just say that this is an area I am seriously going to start dealing with, thinking about, and try to start giving myself some GRACE.  Lovely glorious grace.

GMG Week One

Wow!  Time just keeps on truckin'.  Hubby has been gone for 2.5 months!  Some days go slow, but most have gone by pretty fast.  I guess I can thank my toddler for that ;)  She keeps me busy, but oh what JOY she brings to everyone around her.  I mean, how can you not love this face???

Anyhoo, onto bible stuff!  I joined an online bible study.  Maybe you've heard of it?  It's called "Good Morning Girls" and it's all about getting up early in the morning (I got up at 6:20am today-big deal for me!) and spending time in God's Word.  I have only done 3 days, but I love it!   This week we only read one verse a day and so you have lots of time to think about it or look up the Greek words or anything that like.    Today they are having a link-up party.  Here's their website:  www.goodmorninggirls.org  They have a button too, but since they don't have the code I surely don't know how to paste it!  I can probably figure it out later.  Today we are just supposed to blog about what we are learning (in the 3 verses we read!).

The main thing God revealed to me this week was the way John keeps using the word "Proclaim" (I'm reading the NIV).  The Greek word (apaggello) means "make known openly, declare" according to www.blueletterbible.org.  So I have been thinking about what I declare not with my mouth, but with my life.  I found that I represent 3 things with my actions in this order:  1.) I am a mommy  2.) I am a Christian 3.) I am a wife.   Don't get me wrong, those are 3 wonderful things to be and I love being all those things, but did you notice what order they are in?  They are completely whacked!  It's supposed to go:  Christian, Wife, Mommy...right?  Well, that's what I believe anyway.  

When people look at me, they see mommy for sure.  I am pregnant first of all, but I am also very mommy-ish with Baby Girl.  We "talk" to each other in the grocery store.  I just chat her up like she's an adult "Do you think this is enough yogurt, sweetie?"  No response of course.  "Yeah, you're right we need more".  I also post pictures on FB of crafts we do or things she says.  I mean, my life right now screams "Mommy".  Then I'm a Christian.  I talk about going to church or getting up early to read my Bible or on FB I'll put as my status "Off to bible study! So glad I found these girls!".  You know, things like that.  Lastly, I'm a wife.  I don't often put things up about Hubby because I worry that people will think I feel sorry for myself or wanting attention.  I don't even tell most new people I meet that he is deployed because you always get that sad look from people and then they inevitably say "Oh, I don't know how you do it" or "that must be really hard" or "I admire you".  I know they mean well, but I am still a normal person!  If you tell me your husband is a doctor, I don't stick out my sad lip and say "Oh, I bet it is really hard being a doctor's wife".  I say "Oh, that's cool.  What kind of doctor?" 

OKAAAY, off my tangent!  Sorry about that.  Back to the point of this post, my life is out of order.  I am not sure that it matters what people see exactly, but it does matter how I see myself and how I live my life and really want to put God first, Hubby second, and kiddos third.  Which means when Hubby calls, I make time to talk to him.  If that means I put Baby Girl in front of the TV for 20  mins, then I just need to suck it up and do it.  That means that I pray to God before anything else when things arise during my day.  That means if Baby Girl keeps me up at night, I still get up and give God part of my day.  Changes, I tell you! Changes!  :)

Ok, guess who's awake now??  Hint: She's tiny and she's gorgeous!  Haha, I was about done anyway.  Great morning in the Word and it's going to be a great day!

But it doesn't look like a Meg life!

It's funny where you find yourself sometimes in life.  Not funny so much as confusing.  Well, I don't know the word exactly.  I'm sure everyone feels this way sometimes.  Like..."What on earth am I doing in this life"?  "Is this really my  life"?  "Why is this my life"?  "God, I don't understand".  I look at my life from the outside and it doesn't look like a Meg life (as I thought it would or should).  It doesn't look or feel like a life that I wanted or requested or sought after or desired.  I don't mean for it to sound like I'm complaining.  My life hasn't been easy lately, but it's not been awful or anything either.  I don't mean to complain as much as I mean to wonder, "How in the world did I end up here and why"?  It's kind of like I just don't get it.  How did I, who moved out after high-school and never came back, become a 30-year-old living with my parents?  How did I, someone who loved loved loved to work, become a full-time stay at home mom (who is considering home-schooling to boot!)?  How did I, someone who never thought about taking pride in my country, become a US soldier's wife?  I thought I would end up single living in a remote village somewhere working with children or women.  That's what I wanted.  I mean, that's what I thought I wanted.  I never really wanted or prayed for a husband until I met mine!  I never thought I wanted a lot of children and now I want to have my own and adopt.  And now I'm here in Tennessee away from my husband getting ready to have my second baby living in my parents suburban home.  I look back over the last 4 years and wonder how on earth did I get here??  I wonder, "God, when you gave me this life, did you realize You were giving it to me, Meg"?  "Are you sure I can do this and be happy and content and a solid Believer to boot"?  My thoughts are all jumbled now and I'm a bit confused, but I want to again reiterate I am not complaining.  I love my husband and my babies more than I have ever loved anything or anyone and wouldn't trade them for anything.  I am so happy and grateful and blessed that God saw fit to change my plan and give me the love of my life and 2 wonderful babies that I have the priviledge to stay at home and raise full-time.  I don't actually have doubts that God made a mistake.  I firmly believe that His hand has been in every step of my life and I am exactly where He wants me for now.  And I also know that we don't always understand God's ways, but I do trust Him and I will (hopefully) always choose his choices for my life over my own.  Because like I am always so ready to proclaim, He knows better than us what we need and if left to my own devices, I would royally screw up my life.  I'll just say I am looking forward to the day (even if that day doesn't come until Heaven) when it all clicks and I see the big picture and why there is this "odd" season in my life.  Or at least why things turned out so differently than I once thought they would.  Which I'm happy about, I just think it's weird how I had such different ideas about what God wanted out of me.  Ok, I'm going to stop because like I said, my thoughts are all jumbled and I am probably confusing you :)

Time For A Change

A spiritual change that is.  I don't know how many times I have thought "Something needs to change".  I think it often because it is true.  I am living my life with minimal contact with my Heavenly Father and minimal thought about it.  No, that's not true.  I think "something needs to change" all the time, but what?  I don't know.  Being in Germany was very, very hard for me.  It zapped me spiritually.  I got to a point where I didn't even think about God most of the time.  I was depressed, lonely, and miserable.  Not an excuse, of course, just the way things were.  I firmly believe your relationship with God should never be defined by your circumstances, but believing that and living that belief out are vastly different.  At least for me.

So, here I am.  Back in America, which is wonderful.  Call me crazy, but I am already feeling closer to God.  Part of that is because he took away my rock (and sometimes if I'm being honest my "idol").  Of course I mean my husband.  Looking back over this past month without him, I can see how I definitely depended on him too much.  Depended on him way more than God.  I relied on my husband to cheer me up, to motivate me to clean, to hold me accountable, to make me feel confident, to make me feel pretty, and to fix all my problems.  So, by taking him away, God has forced me to turn to Him in my hard moments...a thing I wouldn't have done if my husband was still around.

Part of me feeling closer to God is that I went to church last week and worshipped God.  Worshipping through music in a communal setting is like breathing air to me.  And I went without that for 7 months.  We did go to church sometimes in Germany, but the music wasn't what spoke to my soul.  No judgment here, just the way things were.  People meet God through all kinds of avenues, and the biggest one for me is the worship I cut my Christian teeth on which as far as I can tell, Germany doesn't offer.  I know it sounds funny to say "Germany" like I mean the entire country, but what I really mean is the American churches we visited.  I'll of course have to deal with that again when we go back, but I'll deal with that a year from now.  Let's not borrow problems meant for tomorrow, ok? :)

Sorry to jump around a bit, but to go back to the topic at hand.  It's time for a change.  I want to get right with God.  No, I don't know how exactly to do that.  I am committing to pray every day for my husband and I think that will help me connect with God since the only time I pray now is when someone specifically asks me to.  So getting in the habit to pray daily will help, right?  I am hoping that although I am praying for my husband, my prayer life will expand from that and it will be more intimate with God like it used to be.

Another thing I am hopefully committing to is to join a Christian Women's Bible Study.  I say hopefully because I hope I can find one!  I had a wonderful women's bible study before we moved across the ocean and it held me accountable for a lot.  But, you know, 7 months without one kind of drug me down.  So if I can find one, I will be joining it!

I also want to have some kind of regular time spent with God.  I'm not foolish enough to think it will be daily, but I am hoping several times a week.  This is going to take self-discipline and I'm quite fearful I can't do it, but I want to give it my best shot.  It is hard for me even to admit that because back in college and after that for a couple of years I used to spend a minimum of an hour with God evey day reading and praying and even singing.  How did I get so far away from that?  Life is harder than it looks! :)

So feel free to ask me how I'm doing because as you can see, I'm quite the open book :)

Besties are the BEST!!

I guess that's why they're called best friends, huh?  :)

So, as you know I was feeling blue like a blue tick hound 2 days ago.  Weeeeeell, sit back and listen to how awesome God is.  (I know you aren't supposed to end a sentence with the word "is", but what word should I put after "is"?  I can't think of one). 

The very day I wrote my last sad post, I skyped with Red Bestie.  I wasn't even going to mention my feelings to her.  Not because I am ashamed or don't trust her, but because we were talking about books and that is like oxygen to me so I was just basking in my O2 overdose.  But she asked, so I spilled everything I wrote on my blog.  One point she made that made me feel a lot better was this (I am going to attempt to paraphrase her without butchering what she said.  Hope it works): God doesn't prepare us now for what we will experience in the future.  So if in (roughly) 4 months from now you aren't pregnant, you will be in a place to accept that news that you aren't in now (nor do I have to be there now because hello, he's not leaving tomorrow).  It was like, eye opening for me.  I don't have to be ok with not being pregnant now because I still have several months where I might actually get pregnant.  And, if God doesn't want me to be pregnant before Hubby leaves, then He will prepare me for that, but He still has 4 months to do so.  Wow. 

Then, I got an email from Teacher Bestie (who isn't actually a teacher, but she reminds me of a teacher and she would make a really great one).  I won't try to paraphrase and butcher her words, I will just cut a snippet from her email. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent :)  Here it is:  The Lord knows how badly you want another baby, he knows your body, and he knows what you need. All you can do is rest in him and trust his timing. He has had such good plans for you that you never would have dreamed up. Imagine when you first set foot on that plane to go to SK...you had no idea you were hanging out with your future husband... I remember you saying things like you didn't deserve a Godly man, [Hubby] specifically and how long you had been single since becomming a Christian, but God knew exactly how long you needed to wait for your man and look what a good one he gave you! Now he knows exactly how long you need to wait for a second child and he will bless you when you are ready. He also knows when it is best for [Hubby] to have another child and when Miss baby girl is ready to be a big sis. So if the Lord withholds, which of course I am praying that he won't, but if he does, just remember it must be best for [Hubby], baby girl and you.
Yet, another lightbulb moment.  I had just assumed that it was best for Baby Girl and said sibling to be as close in age as possible.  I had just assumed what was best for me was best for my husband and daughter.  As if! I never even thought to look at this issue from that angle.  Of course I want what's best for them more than what's best for me.  I would sacrifice anything to make their lives better!  If it is best for them to wait, then I will wait happily.   

And then, my dad emailed me an article.  I can't exactly call my dad a "bestie" because it just sounds weird, but he is an important part of my life.  The article was about healing and faith and it was really excellent.  I can't exactly paste the whole thing here but I will give you the highlights.
-Don't fight against this pain that God has allowed into your life
-Ask God to make His desires your desires
-Discover the benefits of your suffering (which it talked about...pretty cool idea, huh?)
-There's no limit to the amount of glory you can bring to God by choosing to trust Him in the middle of your pain
It had a lot more to say than that, but it had a lot of good things to think about regarding the benefits of suffering and also how to draw close to God even in pain.

So, just so you know, I am feeling a lot better.  I am actually doing well unless I see someone pregnant or hear about someone having a baby on Facebook or something.  It's not their fault and I am so happy people get to experience what I experienced with Baby Girl, but it still makes me sad when someone talks about their due date or I see newborn pictures.  Funnily enough, Red Bestie is exceptionally pregnant right now and it didn't bother me at all to see her.  I am just so HAPPY for her I can't waste time being sad for myself! Such are the benefits of being best friends I suppose :)

Fear v. Trust

Should my title have been Fear vs. Trust?  I never know if verses is v. or vs.  But, anyway, you get the point. 

Here's the thing.  I want another baby.  I just lost a baby via miscarriage.  I should be content with the living baby I have.  A lot of people would be thrilled beyond words to simply have one baby.  God does things in His own time.  I am a Christian and God will take care of me.   God has blessed me with a beautiful daughter.  But I still want another baby. 

I am trying to be good and not want more than I should have.  I am trying to be content with my one baby.  But I am struggling big time.  Everything is relative and for every person who wants a baby and doesn't have one I can show you a person who has a baby and doesn't want it.  Just look up the number of abortions in your town to see what I mean.  It's apalling, but anyway. 

I want another baby so bad I can't hardly let myself think about it or I get upset.  Here it is in black and white: my husband is deploying in a few months and I am scared to death that I won't be pregnant before he leaves. There, I said it.  And now I want to cry. 

Why oh why can't I trust God with this?  When he decided to take our baby away, I totally trusted that He would take care of us and He did.  I knew it was His timing and His timing is best.  I still know that, but I am gripped with what feels like uncontrollable fear that He won't bless me with another baby before Hubby leaves.

Why is that so bad?  What is wrong with waiting another year?  The thought brings tears of sadness to my eyes.  I don't know why.  I know that a year is not forever, but I want another baby now.   At least soon.   I want a big family and I want to add another child to it now.  I have wanted another baby since Baby Girl was about 3 months old.  Why can't I trust God with this? 

I love my daughter so much.  She brings so much JOY to each and every day (well, some days I act like a pickled beet, but most days I am a good mom).  She is just about perfect in my eyes.  But as much as I tell myself she is enough, there is an overwhelming longing for more.  I feel guilty.  I feel like I am asking for the cake and the icing too or whatever that saying says.  Did God put this longing within me or am I seeking my own version of happiness without his stamp of approval? 

Every day I just wait for my body to heal so we can try again.  I am not trusting God, I am freaking out.  But I KNOW in my heart of hearts that God is good.  I know He took our baby for a reason and I know He will bless us in the future.  I hope it is with more children, but it may not be, as much as that scares me.  Even though I know of and speak of God's goodness, I am still not trusting in that goodness.  I don't know what I am doing exactly.  It is out of my hands so it's not like I am doing my own thing.  I am just not at peace I guess. 

Hence, the title of this post.  Fear v. Trust.  Right now, fear is winning, but I hope to update you all again soon that that is not the case anymore.  Everyday is a battle I suppose.  I just have to take it one day at a time as my sweet Hubby tells me. 

Moment by Moment

"Being filled with the Spirit is not a one-time event, but a moment by moment experience".  So says Catherine Martin. 
Bill Bright agrees with her.  He writes, "Every day can be an exciting adventure for the Christian who has discovered the key to supernatural living, for such a person knows the reality of being filled with the Holy Spirit and lives constantly, moment by moment, under His gracious guidance and love". 

It is so simple too.  Just ask.  Well, first confess any sin & then ask.  Bill Bright calls this spiritual breathing (exhale the sin, inhale the Holy Spirit).  I tried it a few minutes ago.  I really tried to think of sin & a few things came to mind, but I know I sin constantly & not that much came to mind.  Being lazy is always a biggie for me.  Also not believing the best in people...which if I'm being honest I think very few people in this world do that one very well.  I'm happy to report that my husband is the only person I know that does that with any consistency.  It's just too easy to point our fingers and say "It's your fault & you should know better". 
Anyway, back on topic.  I tried spiritual breathing & I'm hoping to keep it up.  I don't feel any different, but at least for today I communicated with God for a few minutes which is more than I did yesterday.  I like this moment by moment concept because it's not a big mountain to climb.  It's just seems simple to me.  Me & simple get along.

One other thing that Bill Bright wrote struck me.  He writes, "The Holy Spirit has come to give us a supernatural life more wonderful than the human mind can conceive or comprehend". 

Umm, yeah, I want that please.

A.W. Tozer thoughts

I just don't think I am ever going to get it.  This elusive "abundant" spiritual life.  I just don't get it.  It's not about a spiritual to-do list.  There is no special formula.  Even if I read my bible, pray, & meditate on scripture, I still may not get it.  Maybe I am just too literal or maybe I rely too heavily on tangible goals, but I don't think I will ever have the abundant life that scripture outlines (Power in the Holy Spirit, praying unceasing, counting it all as loss, intimacy with Christ, etc).  Maybe I am just not dedicated enough to the cause if you know what I mean.  Maybe I only say I want this life, but I dont really mean it or I'm not really willing to make the sacrifices in order to get it.

A. W. Tozer.  There is a man who got it.  In talking about the Power of the Holy Spirit, he says that part of the Spirit's work is to "reveal objects already present & hidden from the soul" & when these objects become aware to a person, he goes on to describe what this effect will have (hope that makes sense!).  He writes, "[Christ] is felt to be a real Person & to be intimately, ravishingly near...Prayer loses it's unmeaning quality & becomes a sweet conversation with Someone actually there.  Love for God & for the children of God takes possession of the soul.  We feel ourselves to be near to heaven & it is now the earth & the world that begin to seem unreal...Then the whole life changes to suit the new reality & the change is permanent".  I mean, come on, what child of God wouldn't want that?   But the thing is wanting it & having it are quite different.  I don't have it.  I don't know how to get it.  I don't think I will ever have it if I'm being honest.  

Going back to what I said in the beginning of this post, the reason I don't know how to get it is because there is nothing tangible I can do to get it.  There is no checklist to ensure my success.  With Christ, everything is about your heart.  So if my heart is defunct, then my life is defunct.  No amount of bible reading will fix my heart, right?  So, is my heart defunct?  I don't understand that because I do know Jesus, His Spirit does reside inside of me so my heart can't be defunct. 

See the circles I run in?  I-yie-yie.  

*Text taken from The Divine Conquest by A.W. Tozer

The Abundant Life

So, I started a new bible study about the Holy Spirit.  I needed to have something to do every day! I'm not so good at "self-study" :) 

Anyway, the author told me to "talk with God today about your life.  Ask Him to give you real and abundant life".  Okay, I can talk to God about that. 

But, I have no idea what "abundant life" looks like in Oklahoma with a newborn, a dog, a cat, & a soldier.  What should I be striving for & if I don't know what to be striving for, how will I get there?  Does abundant life look like serving others or seriously studying God's word?  Or maybe it looks like being a supportive wife?  Or Mommy-extradinaire?  How do I KNOW what abundant life for me looks like? 

I tell God all the time that I want to live out my personal motto since becoming a mommy: "Don't just survive, but thrive".  But again, I don't know what thriving looks like.  Maybe it's not crying every day or laughing more or being organized & keeping my house clean?  Maybe it's having personal hobbies or making friends? 

So, I know there isn't a magical answer, but does anyone have insight on how to know when you have "arrived" at this elusive concept of an abundant life?  Or how to go about getting there?

Real Christmas

okaaaay
Right after I posted my last post, I put on Bebo Norman's christmas album "From the Realms of Glory" and now I'm sobbing like a baby.
I was so proud of my decorations and my festiveness and I realize that while that stuff is not wrong, it is not what should excite me about this season.
and it's not. not really. I am actually quite thankful that we dont have a big house to decorate or a big tree or lots of money to spend on presents because all that would distract me. I have a hard enough time without adding more whistles and bells to christmas.

Bebo sings:

Majesty had come down
Glory had succombed now to flesh and bone
in the arms of a manger
in the hands of a stranger that could not know
Just who they hold

And the angels filled the sky
All of heaven wondered why
Why their King would choose to be
be a baby born to die

You dont get the full effect unless you listen to it, but it is the most beautiful song I have ever heard in my life.
It definitely puts things into perspective. and I wonder why I can't remember how that song makes me feel every minute of every day. I wonder why I so quickly forget that christmas isn't really about family or parties or music but about Jesus coming down to earth in the flesh when He didn't have to. He knew He was coming down to the worst death that man ever created. Those words "Heaven wondered why their King would choose to be a baby born to die" strike me so because the heavenly creations see Jesus as He is. They see him as King of everything and so they know what He sacrificed. Our small minds cant grasp what Jesus gave up so that we might live. So that we might live. I pray that I dont get distracted this season, I pray that I cling to Jesus the Son of God.

Are you a spiritual narcissist or just a plain nut?

haha! what a funny thing to say!
my inspiration is solely from dr. larry crabb & j.i. packer :)

what they mean is that a vast amount of people in the modern church concern themselves more with becoming godly than with God Himself!! can you even imagine? it sounds ridiculous, but we all do it at times, don't we? i start freaking out if i go too many days without a quiet time, but if i examine it closely my freaking out stems out of the knowledge that without quiet times, I am headed down the road to despair. not so much concerned with the fact that i'm not encountering GOD. j. i. packer says, "while my fellow believers are constantly seeking to advance themselves in godliness, they show little direct interest in god himself...there is someting narcissistic and, to tell the truth, nutty in being more concerned about godliness than about god". larry crabb goes on to explain that we have turned god into "the helpful god of useful principles" & we have turned ourselves into "understandable strugglers who deserve to be understood and helped".

in actuality, God is a holy god of passionate wrath & we are arrogant people who deserve eternal misery. but we dont like that, do we? no, we like for people to overlook our sin because of the suffering we have to face. we want to be sympathized with for our negative upbringings & we want a hug, not a scolding. we can't live like this! the truth is, we do get a hug when we turn to jesus, but expecting a hug is what dietrich bonhoeffer calls CHEAP GRACE.

i think i might be a spiritual narcissist. there is a verse in colossians (1:18) that says, "He is also head of the body, the church..." & I was thinking about it & it hit me that Jesus Christ is an active member of my church! i know it sounds so dumb, but i had made church a place for ME to grow, for ME to worship, for ME to fellowship. Narcissistic!!!!! holy cow, i'm tired.

if you are interested in these ideas, go read shattered dreams by larry crabb or borrow it from me. i didn't agree with everything he said, but it definitely made me think :)

Now, Tell Me, Child

Now, tell me, child, why must we rejoice in our sufferings?
Tell me why must we find JOY in our PAIN?
Tell me why did Christ have to die for me to experience shattered dreams?
Tell me why I must glorify God when my soul is weeping?
Tell me, child do all experience such sorrow?
Now, tell me, child why must I watch innocents die?
Tell me why can't I find the peace that passes understanding?
Tell me will I feel this HELPLESS forever?
Tell me where does my strength lie?
Tell me, child, where is my freedom?

time keeps on passing

i keep wondering when life is going to feel normal again! no, not normal, per se, but GOOD. life as a follower of christ is anything but normal. & life in hton isn't BAD you know, but it's not what i want it to be. it's hard to explain. i think what my real problem has more to do with me than hton of course.
i am pursuing the lord. i am seeking his will & reading his word & i love him & i long for him but i still feel empty. i still feel far away from him. he is more important to me than anyone else & i miss him more than anything else i left behind in slovakia.
my life is not completely void of god. when i just read what i wrote, it sounds like i lost god somewhere along the way. that is not the case. god is with me now as i write. i know he is. i do not doubt his love or his plan for me. he has blessed my life with abundance. the man i now call my own (chris) has brought more freedom into my life than any female counselor did after my conversion. i have a very fulfilling job where i can be a ray of love or light or joy or something to people who are dying of cancer. god is with me every day. i wake up before the sun & spend time with god & i feel his presence. i believe he meets with me & talks to me.
but still, something is wrong. i hope this isn't coming across as negative, because it's not negative. it's more contemplative. it's just i want my life to be bursting with purpose. i want to be overflowing & i'm not. most days i still struggle. most days i'm still kinda sad. i remember being a baby christian & my unyielding faith & my foolish passion & i long for those days to return again. or at least, something to make me feel that FULL again. only jesus can, i know. i'm just not sure where to find him in his fullness or how to meet him there.

Bible Geek

I would like to become a Bible Geek. Tis true. I want to start a Bible Geek Club & have Bible Geek friends. I want to get together with these Bible Geek friends & talk about whatever book of the Bible we want to & talk about different theories & commentaries & what words mean & what it means for our lives presently. I don't want to take the Bible away from my heart & put it only in my brain or anything, I just want to study it more & be a geek about it. You know, like POUR over it & ABSORB it. My Bible reading is mostly very surface-y (hey-it's cool to make up words) & I'm tired of it! So my first step in this process is deciding to become a Bible Geek: check. Not sure what the next step is...maybe enlisting another person who would like to become a Bible Geek with me. Hmmm, this may be harder than I thought.

things are supposed to be ok

it's true. things are supposed to be ok. i am supposed to be happy & content & life is supposed to be stable by now. i have an apartment & a cat for goodness' sake! i work at a respectable place of employment with great benefits & pretty good pay. i have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me & cares so much about my wellfare. so what is wrong? why aren't things ok? why do i still miss slovakia & my life there so much? why can i cry at any given moment if i dwell on it for just a minute too long? why am i still dealing with daily sadness & grieving over my losses? it's been 4 months! i am moving on with my life, but my heart is stuck. not every day do i feel the burderns of life outside of slovakia, but it's an overall issue. i long to be happy in hton. it is my heart's desire that i be content with the portion the lord has given me. but for some reason, i'm not. & i don't even want to get into what my life with God is like. it's hot & cold & luke-warm & up & down. i demand intimacy & then i ignore him. it's like nothing i have ever experienced since i have become his child. i have had rebellious streaks, sure, but this is a prolonged complacency that is weighing me down in every area of my life. i keep thinking "life will be better when...". life will be better when i have my own apartment. life will be better when my cat comes to live with me. life will be better when i don't have to wait tables anymore. life will be better when i have a real job with a real paycheck. been there, done that & i still don't feel ok! so like my sweet lisa said in her blog (http://lnkauffman.blogspot.com/) it just helps to get this junk out of me & into words. so that's what i did.