Friday, November 24, 2006

quite a memorable turkey day :)

big family? noooo. a day of cooking? noooo. a table full of food? noooo. leftovers? noooo.
this year, for the first time ever, i ate my thanksgiving meal in a restaurant! my sweet parents came up to hton (does anyone actually know i live here?? because everytime i talk to a friend not from here, they say "where do you live again?"). well, they came up & brought me tons of goodies & tons of food. it felt like a mini-christmas :) sweet people. then, we went to cracker barrel & had a perfect plateful of food. no stomach aches or unbuttoning my pants this year. it was quite enjoyable. i wasn't too excited about it at first because i didn't think it was thanksgiving-ish, but i found out that LOTS of people go to cracker barrel on turkey day! it was packed, so then i felt better :) i'm weird, i know. then i took them to the hospital so they could see where i work. after that we ran around & spent a little more money & ended up at the boyfriend's for a christmas movie & sweet potatoe pie (that i did not make!). we watched "christmas with the cranks". it is a really good movie if anyone likes christmas movies. then we stayed up late last night & now we are getting ready to make a big breakfast before they head back to k-town. i am glad they could come & spend this holiday with me. that's what matters :)

Saturday, November 11, 2006

things are supposed to be ok

it's true. things are supposed to be ok. i am supposed to be happy & content & life is supposed to be stable by now. i have an apartment & a cat for goodness' sake! i work at a respectable place of employment with great benefits & pretty good pay. i have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me & cares so much about my wellfare. so what is wrong? why aren't things ok? why do i still miss slovakia & my life there so much? why can i cry at any given moment if i dwell on it for just a minute too long? why am i still dealing with daily sadness & grieving over my losses? it's been 4 months! i am moving on with my life, but my heart is stuck. not every day do i feel the burderns of life outside of slovakia, but it's an overall issue. i long to be happy in hton. it is my heart's desire that i be content with the portion the lord has given me. but for some reason, i'm not. & i don't even want to get into what my life with God is like. it's hot & cold & luke-warm & up & down. i demand intimacy & then i ignore him. it's like nothing i have ever experienced since i have become his child. i have had rebellious streaks, sure, but this is a prolonged complacency that is weighing me down in every area of my life. i keep thinking "life will be better when...". life will be better when i have my own apartment. life will be better when my cat comes to live with me. life will be better when i don't have to wait tables anymore. life will be better when i have a real job with a real paycheck. been there, done that & i still don't feel ok! so like my sweet lisa said in her blog ( it just helps to get this junk out of me & into words. so that's what i did.