Saturday, March 05, 2011

I'll Tell You a Secret

I think I might make this a regular posting because I have lots and lots of secrets in me.  It's cathartic to get stuff inside of you out in the open.  And, kinda fun :)

Today, my secret is................................................... (duh duh dum)...........I don't like being an army wife.  Ok, ok, before people start hatin' on me, let me explain.  I dearly love my husband and I would follow him anywhere.  He followed God into the army and I am not going to argue or fight against that reasoning.  I am here and I am dealing with it, but I don't like it. 

I read army wife blogs and I really love reading them.  I love reading them second only to book blogs which says quite a lot since books=oxygen to me.  They write about their husbands, their children, their duty stations, deployments, moving, etc.  It is very interesting and even when I'm not an army wife anymore, I will probably still continue to read them.  The one thing I notice about all of them (at least all of the ones I read) is that they love love love being army wives.  Really???  I mean, really???  I can see being proud and going with the flow, but they genuinely seem to love the army life.  I wish I was there.  I am not and if I'm being honest, I don't see myself getting there until at least post-deployment...if then. 

The thing is,however, that I am an army wife right now. Right now, this very second, I am a wife to an active duty soldier in Germany.  SO, that leads me to believe that God must want me to be a happy army wife.  Except happy isn't the correct word.  Because I am happy.  I love my husband and my daughter and my home and even being in a foreign country isn't so bad now that I'm used to it.  Being happy is not the problem.  It's is more like the difference between surviving and thriving.  I can survive as an army wife.  I've certainly survived worse.  But, I am not thriving as an army wife.  I am biding my time.  I am looking forward to the day when Hubby can "quit" the army and we can have a "normal" life.  (And, yes, I know there is no such thing as a normal life...but you know what I mean, right?  A settled life, a life that involves home owning and getting to know your neighbors because they will be around for more than a year or two). 

This is a secret that goes unsaid most of the time because if you are in the army you are supposed to love it I guess.  You are supposed to smile and say "It's ok that I never see my husband.  It's ok that I feel like a single mother most weeks.  It's ok that I've left everything behind I love just so that I watch my husband work his tail off for no thank you.  It's ok that his job bleeds into our familiy like he's hemorrhaging."  Just keep smiling! Just keep smiling!  

Do army wives really love it?  Or do they just blog about their good days I wonder. I know everyone has bad days, but I am not having a bad day.  I have felt like this for months now.  I don't hate it, but I certainly don't want to do it for 20 years either!  I am not strong enough to be an army wife.  That is my conclusion.  I am too dependant on my man and too lonely without my family.  I know that's not really true because God put me here so I must be able to thrive somehow, some way

I hope y'all don't think I hate my life.  I really don't!!  I am not depressed or anything.  I am just trying to figure out why the army wives I see on the Internet seem to love the military life and I don't.  Maybe they have been in the military longer so they have come to terms with it.  I only have 2 real life army friends so I don't have much to compare.  And, it's an issue I don't see addressed openly anywhere. 

Ok, enough jibber jabber.  I've got a baby to feed.  Hope you have a blessed weekend!  Hubby is at work now, but I'm hoping he'll be home for dinner! 


Anonymous said...

I'll be praying for you Meg. I don't so much love being the wife of a veteran either. I mean, you know.

Anonymous said...

PS--if you come across any wives of veterans with PTSD, let me know. Can't find any?