Tuesday, August 16, 2011

But it doesn't look like a Meg life!

It's funny where you find yourself sometimes in life.  Not funny so much as confusing.  Well, I don't know the word exactly.  I'm sure everyone feels this way sometimes.  Like..."What on earth am I doing in this life"?  "Is this really my  life"?  "Why is this my life"?  "God, I don't understand".  I look at my life from the outside and it doesn't look like a Meg life (as I thought it would or should).  It doesn't look or feel like a life that I wanted or requested or sought after or desired.  I don't mean for it to sound like I'm complaining.  My life hasn't been easy lately, but it's not been awful or anything either.  I don't mean to complain as much as I mean to wonder, "How in the world did I end up here and why"?  It's kind of like I just don't get it.  How did I, who moved out after high-school and never came back, become a 30-year-old living with my parents?  How did I, someone who loved loved loved to work, become a full-time stay at home mom (who is considering home-schooling to boot!)?  How did I, someone who never thought about taking pride in my country, become a US soldier's wife?  I thought I would end up single living in a remote village somewhere working with children or women.  That's what I wanted.  I mean, that's what I thought I wanted.  I never really wanted or prayed for a husband until I met mine!  I never thought I wanted a lot of children and now I want to have my own and adopt.  And now I'm here in Tennessee away from my husband getting ready to have my second baby living in my parents suburban home.  I look back over the last 4 years and wonder how on earth did I get here??  I wonder, "God, when you gave me this life, did you realize You were giving it to me, Meg"?  "Are you sure I can do this and be happy and content and a solid Believer to boot"?  My thoughts are all jumbled now and I'm a bit confused, but I want to again reiterate I am not complaining.  I love my husband and my babies more than I have ever loved anything or anyone and wouldn't trade them for anything.  I am so happy and grateful and blessed that God saw fit to change my plan and give me the love of my life and 2 wonderful babies that I have the priviledge to stay at home and raise full-time.  I don't actually have doubts that God made a mistake.  I firmly believe that His hand has been in every step of my life and I am exactly where He wants me for now.  And I also know that we don't always understand God's ways, but I do trust Him and I will (hopefully) always choose his choices for my life over my own.  Because like I am always so ready to proclaim, He knows better than us what we need and if left to my own devices, I would royally screw up my life.  I'll just say I am looking forward to the day (even if that day doesn't come until Heaven) when it all clicks and I see the big picture and why there is this "odd" season in my life.  Or at least why things turned out so differently than I once thought they would.  Which I'm happy about, I just think it's weird how I had such different ideas about what God wanted out of me.  Ok, I'm going to stop because like I said, my thoughts are all jumbled and I am probably confusing you :)

No comments: