Tuesday, February 06, 2007

time keeps on passing

i keep wondering when life is going to feel normal again! no, not normal, per se, but GOOD. life as a follower of christ is anything but normal. & life in hton isn't BAD you know, but it's not what i want it to be. it's hard to explain. i think what my real problem has more to do with me than hton of course.
i am pursuing the lord. i am seeking his will & reading his word & i love him & i long for him but i still feel empty. i still feel far away from him. he is more important to me than anyone else & i miss him more than anything else i left behind in slovakia.
my life is not completely void of god. when i just read what i wrote, it sounds like i lost god somewhere along the way. that is not the case. god is with me now as i write. i know he is. i do not doubt his love or his plan for me. he has blessed my life with abundance. the man i now call my own (chris) has brought more freedom into my life than any female counselor did after my conversion. i have a very fulfilling job where i can be a ray of love or light or joy or something to people who are dying of cancer. god is with me every day. i wake up before the sun & spend time with god & i feel his presence. i believe he meets with me & talks to me.
but still, something is wrong. i hope this isn't coming across as negative, because it's not negative. it's more contemplative. it's just i want my life to be bursting with purpose. i want to be overflowing & i'm not. most days i still struggle. most days i'm still kinda sad. i remember being a baby christian & my unyielding faith & my foolish passion & i long for those days to return again. or at least, something to make me feel that FULL again. only jesus can, i know. i'm just not sure where to find him in his fullness or how to meet him there.

No comments: