Saturday, November 11, 2006

things are supposed to be ok

it's true. things are supposed to be ok. i am supposed to be happy & content & life is supposed to be stable by now. i have an apartment & a cat for goodness' sake! i work at a respectable place of employment with great benefits & pretty good pay. i have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me & cares so much about my wellfare. so what is wrong? why aren't things ok? why do i still miss slovakia & my life there so much? why can i cry at any given moment if i dwell on it for just a minute too long? why am i still dealing with daily sadness & grieving over my losses? it's been 4 months! i am moving on with my life, but my heart is stuck. not every day do i feel the burderns of life outside of slovakia, but it's an overall issue. i long to be happy in hton. it is my heart's desire that i be content with the portion the lord has given me. but for some reason, i'm not. & i don't even want to get into what my life with God is like. it's hot & cold & luke-warm & up & down. i demand intimacy & then i ignore him. it's like nothing i have ever experienced since i have become his child. i have had rebellious streaks, sure, but this is a prolonged complacency that is weighing me down in every area of my life. i keep thinking "life will be better when...". life will be better when i have my own apartment. life will be better when my cat comes to live with me. life will be better when i don't have to wait tables anymore. life will be better when i have a real job with a real paycheck. been there, done that & i still don't feel ok! so like my sweet lisa said in her blog ( it just helps to get this junk out of me & into words. so that's what i did.


Emily Cernoia said...

Girlfriend, I understand your sentiment here. Why IS it that the tenderness and beauty and bittersweetness of living abroad in Eastern Europe (and everything that comes with that--good and bad) is so difficult to just "get over"??
I appreciate your honesty in your blog. It has become a difficult transition for me as well. At the start everything was at least new and's sort of still that way in a sense, but maybe not as energizing. You dig?
And by the way..are you dating Shaffer?!
Alright, peace sistah.

gretka said...

hello sweetheart :-),
i'm very happy you are giving new articles on your blog..i'm reading all of them, but not commenting them- i feel a bit stupid because my english is not so good and i do so many grammatical mistakes ...:-(
This article surprised me because i thought all is great in your life. When you said you got a job and own apartment i expected you to be very happy with the life you live now because you wanted it when you "left us" (i mean slovaks & slovakia)...
I don't think that there's something wrong happening in your life. I just think it's normal to have a "light & dark days"'s not sunny and warm all the time, it's also cloudy, raining with storms sometimes, but remember that after every storm there comes a beautiful shiny day...
Just give it time...time heals everything-don't forget it!
i'm really missing you so much, Meg...