Monday, February 21, 2011

Fear v. Trust

Should my title have been Fear vs. Trust?  I never know if verses is v. or vs.  But, anyway, you get the point. 

Here's the thing.  I want another baby.  I just lost a baby via miscarriage.  I should be content with the living baby I have.  A lot of people would be thrilled beyond words to simply have one baby.  God does things in His own time.  I am a Christian and God will take care of me.   God has blessed me with a beautiful daughter.  But I still want another baby. 

I am trying to be good and not want more than I should have.  I am trying to be content with my one baby.  But I am struggling big time.  Everything is relative and for every person who wants a baby and doesn't have one I can show you a person who has a baby and doesn't want it.  Just look up the number of abortions in your town to see what I mean.  It's apalling, but anyway. 

I want another baby so bad I can't hardly let myself think about it or I get upset.  Here it is in black and white: my husband is deploying in a few months and I am scared to death that I won't be pregnant before he leaves. There, I said it.  And now I want to cry. 

Why oh why can't I trust God with this?  When he decided to take our baby away, I totally trusted that He would take care of us and He did.  I knew it was His timing and His timing is best.  I still know that, but I am gripped with what feels like uncontrollable fear that He won't bless me with another baby before Hubby leaves.

Why is that so bad?  What is wrong with waiting another year?  The thought brings tears of sadness to my eyes.  I don't know why.  I know that a year is not forever, but I want another baby now.   At least soon.   I want a big family and I want to add another child to it now.  I have wanted another baby since Baby Girl was about 3 months old.  Why can't I trust God with this? 

I love my daughter so much.  She brings so much JOY to each and every day (well, some days I act like a pickled beet, but most days I am a good mom).  She is just about perfect in my eyes.  But as much as I tell myself she is enough, there is an overwhelming longing for more.  I feel guilty.  I feel like I am asking for the cake and the icing too or whatever that saying says.  Did God put this longing within me or am I seeking my own version of happiness without his stamp of approval? 

Every day I just wait for my body to heal so we can try again.  I am not trusting God, I am freaking out.  But I KNOW in my heart of hearts that God is good.  I know He took our baby for a reason and I know He will bless us in the future.  I hope it is with more children, but it may not be, as much as that scares me.  Even though I know of and speak of God's goodness, I am still not trusting in that goodness.  I don't know what I am doing exactly.  It is out of my hands so it's not like I am doing my own thing.  I am just not at peace I guess. 

Hence, the title of this post.  Fear v. Trust.  Right now, fear is winning, but I hope to update you all again soon that that is not the case anymore.  Everyday is a battle I suppose.  I just have to take it one day at a time as my sweet Hubby tells me. 


poole party said...

i love you meg! i really appreciate your honesty. i wish i could tell you something to help, but you seriously have said anything i could say! i miss you something fierce on tuesday nights. love you and think of you OFTEN!!! keep blogging!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I miss you on Tuesdays too. And I love you. His timing really is perfect. You know when things were really bad and I hadn't heard I love you in like a year or something crazy? Cam finally told me the day before we found out I was pregnant. Perfect. Im sorry. It doesn't always help, knowing that though.