Sunday, August 12, 2012

Back here again so soon? Why, yes, indeed I am.

Hmmm.  I haven't written in awhile.  There is a reason for that.   A couple, really.  One is I still don't know how people find time to blog with multiple children.  It doesn't help that our TV time each day is on the same computer I would use to write on.  I belong to my children all day long and then when they go to bed, I belong to my husband.  I can't say I don't ever have down time during the day but when I do I usually shower or nap or read so I guess blogging isn't up high enough on my list.  At the moment, Caleb is sleeping and Autumn is playing with Play-Doh (which won't last forever!).   The other reason I haven't blogged is that I refuse to A.) Sugar coat my life, emotions, etc and B.)  just get on here and complain and vent.

So if you put A & B together, you can see where my heart has been resting lately.  Not in a great place.  The reason is...I'm pregnant!  Again!  Unplanned!  We will call this pregnancy our "home from deployment and tired of using protection baby".  Ha.   I say that jokingly because really we were being safe and counting days and all that, but for some reason my cycle was off by more than a week that month which literally never happens (seriously, I have been like clockwork the past decade even through 3 pregnancies).  Enter God?  Yes, I believe so.  I believe He wants this pregnancy at this time and I believe He made my cycle all wacko for His Glory in creating this baby.

So, yes, I can rejoice in the baby.  My emotions however are taking a hit.  I am depressed, lonely, sick, angry, sad, bitchy, impatient, tired, and in general, a joy to be around.  Ha.  It has been a hard couple of weeks.  I take turns feeling sorry for my children, my husband, and myself ;)  I am approximately 9 weeks along.  I am not spending time with God which is always the first area in my life to go out the door when things get rough and the last thing that should!  I just cannot seem to drag my butt out of bed in the morning.  It seems like every time I make a renewed effort to start getting up before the kids, I let things get in the way.  Autumn will quit sleeping through the night (this has happened several times), I'll get sick, or you know, pregnant :)

Anyway, that's why I've been absent.  I just have been down in the dumps.  Today, however, I am very much convicted of my "me" attitude.  I do know that what I am feeling is chemical so there's not much to do for that besides getting on medication which I haven't pursued and probably won't at this point.  This is the *exact* same way I felt when I was pregnant with Autumn.  Except that time, I really beat myself about it becaue I just thought I was the worst human being/mother/woman in the world for not being thrilled to death about my pregnancy.  See what societal pressure can do to a person?  I'm only half kidding.  I have come to realize that sometimes your emotions betray you (chemically speaking).  Know what I mean?  What I mean is I was excited about this pregnancy until all the hormones kicked in and I got sick and depressed so even though my heart finds (or found maybe I should say) joy in this situation, my hormones are messing with my mind!  And, since I've been through this before, I know it goes away and I know it doesn't indicate anything about my parenting capabilities or my love for my babies.

Ok, this is the third time I have gotten on here to finish this post in the last 3 days!  BOTH kids and my husband are sleeping so I think I can actually get it written this time. Sheesh!

I don't have much else to say except I feel like I am not embracing Caleb's babyhood.  As soon as I found out about another baby coming along, it's like I have just wanted him to grow up so quickly!  It's sad, really.  I have been mega-convicted of this as of late mostly due to these posts by these super awesome women:  Sort of Deep-ish Thoughts and Thirteen Months.  I need to remember that even though there is another baby coming (SO SOON) that Caleb will only be a baby once and I will never get these months back again.  He won't let me give him a billion kisses forever.  He won't be content sitting on my hip forever.  He won't cry for me when I leave the room forever.

Anyway, I have felt really good the past two days so maybe the worst of it is over.  With Autumn, it was like they say in all the books, one day you wake up and feel like yourself again!  Chris says he is glad he has his wife back.  Poor guy, I know I was bringing him down.

Ok, enough from me about this topic.  It is what it is, right?  Here's to feeling better real soon and having 3 children under the age of 3! Eek! That is the first time I have "said" that out loud and it is kind of a scary statement.  Prayers, people, prayers ;)

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