Friday, September 07, 2012

There I Go Wearing My Heart Again

This is a family portrait we took last spring while Chris was home visiting from Afghanistan.  It is a lovely picture and I'm quite pleased with it. 

However, I have to tell you a secret.  Sometimes, I look at that picture and I wonder whose those people are with those babies.  I mean, they look so happy.  They look so put together.  That looks like a mom who keeps a clean home and whose children obey her.  Those looks like children who always have their hair combed and who only watch 30 minutes of TV a day.  That looks like a dad who always puts playing with his children after work as his main priority.

And, that, to be blunt, is total BS.  

A lot of times when I blog hop around, this is what I see.  Perfect families.  Maybe not perfect, but better than me.  Better wives, better moms, better housekeepers.  A lot of it is in how I perceive things of course.  I don't expect people to put pictures of themselves in their bathrobes or anything.  I have a tendency to consistently compare myself to others and always see that I am the one lacking.  

Some days my children drive me so crazy that I turn on the TV and lay on the couch with a pillow on my head.  We are getting ready to move again and I have moved so much in the past 2.5 years that the thought of moving again makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.  I am still having emotional issues with my current unplanned pregnancy.  That last one really gets me.  It makes me feel really really bad.  But it's the truth.  Emotionally, it has been one of the hardest things I have faced and it's even harder because I'm not supposed to feel that way!  It's a precious gift from God and I know a number of people who are dealing with infertility and miscarriage who would do just about anything to be in my position.  And, yet, still, I am having issues.  Sometimes, I even fantasize about the mom I "could have been" if we hadn't been uprooted so many times.  I think about the friends I "could have had" if we had stayed in our first home...the place where we got married and where our daughter was born.  

I look at that picture and I want to be that woman who is smiling and who has a firm grip on life.  I want to have things under control.  I want to be content in any circumstance.  I want to always discipline my children in love and not frustration or impatience.  I want to always do our laundry in a timely manner.  I want to get up early and read my bible every day.  I want to be a better me.  

I don't think that is necessarily bad, per se, but it can be dangerous ground.  It's dangerous because I was created flawed.  I am not Jesus Christ, the only perfect human.  I think what I need to learn to do is love myself despite my imperfections.  This is so hard for me.  I don't really know where to begin either.  I think processing it a good start, acknowledging it.  I am hoping that God leads the ways because I'm pretty worthless without Him.  Of course the church answer is, "Of course God will show you the way", but I mean, I hope He really does and I really let him because I'm not kidding when I say I'm worthless on my own.  I have learned that lesson time and time again!  

Isaiah 58:11
"The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong, and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail"

That is what my soul cries out for today.

1 comment:

Anne @ Hello Newmans said...

Thanks for sharing and your honesty!!