Monday, April 24, 2006

MODG-PODG

recent thoughts, journal entries, whatnot...

weird weird night. ok, not so weird as something else, but not sure what...i hold my heart in my balled up fist & then set it down with my keys... there will always be something luring my heart into pain...sometimes i love my life. i love candles. i love the way they flicker & shine. i love coffee first thing in the morning. i love cats. i know it is so not cool to love cats, but i love cats. & i think people singing to god is the most beautiful sound ever. i love calendars in january when the year is brand new & anything could happen. i love new books & i love old books. i love the way it feels to hold a pen & write out your soul. i love kind people. i love unselfishness. & i love yellow flowers...why do i write? i write because what is inside threatens to take over. i write because i do not understand nor comprehend what goes on inside my heart...feel acutely bad. it's one of those bads where it's in your face, every corner you turn, every word you say. it's a heavy covering on your heart or your mind & it wont go away...i want your intimacy. i will pound on the doors of heaven to get it & i will not give up until i do...what is it that causes lonliness? i believe it might be separation from god. lack of jesus in my very soul where my heart is most alive...i hate my flesh & my sin. i breed it & it swells & seeps out of my pores & then i wipe it on people & then we are both stained with my sin...my love, think of me & remember what we are... thank you jesus for making me beautiful to the one who matters...lord, you are something else entirely...i am eternally intertwined with my maker & i am eternally his.

2 comments:

Mama said...

Dear Meg,
I have tried twice to leave a very insightful comment without luck...I don't know why I have such a hard time with modern technology! Your blog is very deep and insightful, though a little bit sad...talk to God a lot this week- I know last week was harder because you had us hanging aroundall the time! I have come back home with a yearning for a deeper, richer spititual life after spending time with you in Eastern Europe. I loved meeting your Slovak friends- they are wonderful! You have been blessed to have this opportunity, and we are blessed to have you in our family!
I hope you have great week and a refreshing time in Macedonia. We are fine, and the laundry will get done someday!
I love you,
Mama

Emily Cernoia said...

I love lists of things to love! nice.