Wednesday, July 24, 2013


Autumn starts preschool next month.  I'm sad.  Not because it's not the right choice (I think, although I am praying through that currently), but because I don't want her to grow up.  I mean, I'm SAD.  I cried last night and it's a month away!  I have always thought that people who cried over their kids going to school were insane.  I just didn't get it.

People don't get upset because they can't handle time away from their kids.  People don't get upset because their child is taller than they were a year ago.  People don't get upset because their child is becoming independent.  (Well, maybe that one a little bit).  People get upset because their child is entering a new stage of life that is scary.  Yes, it is just preschool, I get it.  However, it is a concentrated number of hours every week that my child will be under the influence of other people/children.

My 3 year old is very sweet and is under the impression that everyone she meets will love her.  She is under the impression that adults are kind and will protect her.  We have tried to teach her about "stranger danger" without scaring her, but I'm not sure she gets it.  I don't think much about her beliefs will change with this preschool because we are sending her to an awesome, Christ based school with amazing teachers.  But, from this point onward, her days of innocence are ticking down.  She will learn, if not now, then at some point, that kids can and will be mean.  She will learn that some girls will hurt her for no reason than she is different than them.  She will learn that just because she likes a boy doesn't mean he will like her back and that will hurt.  One day, she will learn about drugs and child abuse and so much more than that.  A lot of that she won't learn for many years, but this is where it starts.  This is where she leaves me (and my protection) behind (or so it feels).

Another minor (selfish, insecure) thing that is making me weepy is that I know she is going to be like "peace out mom" and take off playing.  That's great, I know, but I want her to kind of feel like I do and she doesn't.  She isn't going to miss me, she isn't going to be sad about us losing time together every day...she is going to be way too busy having fun.  I know that's a good thing, but if I'm being honest (which I try very hard to be), it hurts me a little bit.  It makes me feel unnecessary and who wants to feel that?

The last thing I'm struggling with is the actual educational aspect.  I taught Autumn her ABCs.  I taught Autumn what all the sounds of the letters make.  I taught Autumn how to write those letters.  Someone else will most likely teach her how to read.  Someone else will teach her how to add and subtract.  This makes my heart unbelievable sad and heavy.  I wish homeschooling was the "norm" and/or I wish my husband was all about it so that the choice would just be taken away from me.  I wish I just "had" to do it because I would do it and I think I would step up and do it well (*think* being the key word...I am also totally afraid I would do a terrible job).  But instead, there is a choice (what a nasty nasty word!) we have to make.  And at this point, we are choosing preschool.  I don't know if it is the right choice or not.  I am very emotional about everything right now and feel that I can't be unbiased at the moment.

So, now I understand why people get upset when their kids go to school and you can bet I will sobbing the entire way home after dropping her off.  Unless, I cry every day until then, in which case, I might be ok.  I did that with Chris's deployment.  I sobbed every night before it happened for about 3 weeks and then when he actually left, I did ok.  It was like I had already mourned him leaving.  Weird, huh?

Poof! From a baby to a big girl, just like that!

1 comment:

Jessica said...

Bless your heart. I went to Christian school preK-12 and loved it, felt my innocence was protected. I currently teach in public school and would NEVER send my baby there. I've decided to take one year at a time and homeschool! I love teaching my children!! Even if you choose Christian school for your children you still will be the best and greatest teacher they have! Likewise I share your fears of your babies growing up. We have them for such a short time. Press on!