Sunday, March 14, 2010

I wonder if I am going to cry every day until this baby is born. Maybe I'll just cry everyday until Hubby leaves, but I hardly think that him leaving will help. It's just that many of my tears are from thoughts of him not being here & maybe once he's actually gone, I'll see that I'm ok. I don't know. So many of my other tears are from thoughts of leaving behind all I know. I don't want to leave behind my Bible study. They are going to all grow old without me. I don't want to leave behind family. I don't want to leave behind our life here. I'm happy here.
All my best friends (well...almost all of them) came up yesterday for a luncheon so I could see them one last time & now they are gone & I wonder when I will see them again. Someday, right?
I just think how nice it must be to have a baby & get to set up a nursery with your husband & have him take time off work to be with you. Saying good-bye is hard enough, but take away my husband & put me through labor & I think I might die. I'm being dramatic, of course, but it feels that way at times. There are lots of people who go through such harder things, but for some reason it's easier for me to think of those women who have nothing but joy in expecting a baby & who get to keep their husbands to themselves. I shouldn't think of those women because it makes me feel bad, it's just hard not to.
I get all these cute clothes for Baby Girl & I have to pack them all up in boxes for the movers. Everything we buy her has to stay in a box until Oklahoma (except her carseat of course). She has no nursery, no special baby room just for herself. She WILL get Oklahoma. She will get it when she is 3-4 weeks old. & I am happy we can give it to her, I am thankful that we have money & family to put together a nursery & to dress her in cute clothes. I just wish she could have it now kind of. It's just stuff, I know.
I think all of this wouldn't matter to me if Hubby could stay with me. If he could stay here, everything would be ok. But my husband is not my substinence, my husband is not my refuge. At least he shouldn't be those things. Jesus Christ should be what gets me through hard times, not my husband. I know. It's so hard. I can't get that truth in my heart. It's in my head that Christ is all things & will take care of me, but in my heart, I need my husband. I don't know how I'm going to make it without crying all the time. I have to say good-bye to everyone alone. So does he. I wish we could say good-bye to our friends & family & then leave for Oklahoma together. Sad, but together. Sad & alone is so much worse.
I have learned that all the theories in the world don't amount to crap in real life. It's a nice theory that being apart from him for only 3 weeks will fly by. Total crap. It's a nice theory that I will miss him so much that saying good-bye to people here won't be hard. Total crap. It's a nice theory that waiting to be settled with your newborn for 3 weeks is not that long. Total crap. It's a nice theory that having family & friends & your own doctor & your own hospital balances out the negative of not being with your husband for the last month of pregnancy & the first 2 weeks of your daughter's life. Total crap. I wonder if we made the right decision. I'm so scared. I think I would trade every "comfortable" aspect in Huntington to be in Oklahoma with my husband. All those things about Oklahoma that seemed so horrible 8 months ago (No visitors at the hospital! Not knowing my OB! A hospital I've never been to! No grandparents in the waiting room! No one oohing & awing over my baby!) don't seem nearly as horrible as being apart from my other half. I know I won't die, but this might be the hardest thing I've ever done.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm sure it sucks. I can't imagine and I know it's easy for me to say that you'll be alright (you really will be), but you're the one who actually has to do it. BUT (and I just remembered this), when I had to do something really horrible and hard like look for apartments for me and my angel because daddy and I were no more, I got by with a little help from my friends and, so will you :)