BOOKS

Is it possible to be in love with books? No, I'm serious. I may be flirting with disaster by saying this, but I do not know what my life would be like without books. It may take one of 2 roads. It may go down the TV path where I would watch TV every day & every night for hours. That may be one of the most depressing thoughts I have ever had.

OR, it may take the meditative path where I am forced to just sit around & think about life & love & God & scripture. In that case, the eradication of all books in my life would be a positive thing.

Since (hopefully) my life will never be void of books, I don't really need to worry about it.

But, sometimes I do think about how people who read all the time catch a lot less slack than people who watch TV a lot or throw themselves into physical exercise. Reading can become just as much as an avoidance to real life as any other activity. Reading can hinder your relationship with God & it can become an idol just like anything else. Of course, if you're reading the Bible all day long, well, that's a different story all together.

But I don't read the Bible all day long. I read it every day which is a step in the right direction & I even try to read 10 pages of a Christian author every day. Want to know how many pages of fiction I read every day? Well, I won't tell you that because it makes my 10 pages & 2-3 Biblical chapters look mighty pitiful.

This entry started out as an ode to books & instead I am scolding myself! I am only human & I do believe that reading a book about the Californian gold rush for 3 hours will harm you less than watching Friends for the same amount of time (which I also do on occasion).

Bottom line is I love Jesus more than books, but I love books about as much as I love air :)

& one day in heaven I am going to have a library like this one:

& before you ask, of course I will share my treasure with you.

*please note that this is a light-hearted entry & try not to read too much into the theology behind it, because, well, because there isn't any :) !!

time keeps on passing

i keep wondering when life is going to feel normal again! no, not normal, per se, but GOOD. life as a follower of christ is anything but normal. & life in hton isn't BAD you know, but it's not what i want it to be. it's hard to explain. i think what my real problem has more to do with me than hton of course.
i am pursuing the lord. i am seeking his will & reading his word & i love him & i long for him but i still feel empty. i still feel far away from him. he is more important to me than anyone else & i miss him more than anything else i left behind in slovakia.
my life is not completely void of god. when i just read what i wrote, it sounds like i lost god somewhere along the way. that is not the case. god is with me now as i write. i know he is. i do not doubt his love or his plan for me. he has blessed my life with abundance. the man i now call my own (chris) has brought more freedom into my life than any female counselor did after my conversion. i have a very fulfilling job where i can be a ray of love or light or joy or something to people who are dying of cancer. god is with me every day. i wake up before the sun & spend time with god & i feel his presence. i believe he meets with me & talks to me.
but still, something is wrong. i hope this isn't coming across as negative, because it's not negative. it's more contemplative. it's just i want my life to be bursting with purpose. i want to be overflowing & i'm not. most days i still struggle. most days i'm still kinda sad. i remember being a baby christian & my unyielding faith & my foolish passion & i long for those days to return again. or at least, something to make me feel that FULL again. only jesus can, i know. i'm just not sure where to find him in his fullness or how to meet him there.

Bible Geek

I would like to become a Bible Geek. Tis true. I want to start a Bible Geek Club & have Bible Geek friends. I want to get together with these Bible Geek friends & talk about whatever book of the Bible we want to & talk about different theories & commentaries & what words mean & what it means for our lives presently. I don't want to take the Bible away from my heart & put it only in my brain or anything, I just want to study it more & be a geek about it. You know, like POUR over it & ABSORB it. My Bible reading is mostly very surface-y (hey-it's cool to make up words) & I'm tired of it! So my first step in this process is deciding to become a Bible Geek: check. Not sure what the next step is...maybe enlisting another person who would like to become a Bible Geek with me. Hmmm, this may be harder than I thought.

quite a memorable turkey day :)

big family? noooo. a day of cooking? noooo. a table full of food? noooo. leftovers? noooo.
this year, for the first time ever, i ate my thanksgiving meal in a restaurant! my sweet parents came up to hton (does anyone actually know i live here?? because everytime i talk to a friend not from here, they say "where do you live again?"). well, they came up & brought me tons of goodies & tons of food. it felt like a mini-christmas :) sweet people. then, we went to cracker barrel & had a perfect plateful of food. no stomach aches or unbuttoning my pants this year. it was quite enjoyable. i wasn't too excited about it at first because i didn't think it was thanksgiving-ish, but i found out that LOTS of people go to cracker barrel on turkey day! it was packed, so then i felt better :) i'm weird, i know. then i took them to the hospital so they could see where i work. after that we ran around & spent a little more money & ended up at the boyfriend's for a christmas movie & sweet potatoe pie (that i did not make!). we watched "christmas with the cranks". it is a really good movie if anyone likes christmas movies. then we stayed up late last night & now we are getting ready to make a big breakfast before they head back to k-town. i am glad they could come & spend this holiday with me. that's what matters :)

things are supposed to be ok

it's true. things are supposed to be ok. i am supposed to be happy & content & life is supposed to be stable by now. i have an apartment & a cat for goodness' sake! i work at a respectable place of employment with great benefits & pretty good pay. i have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me & cares so much about my wellfare. so what is wrong? why aren't things ok? why do i still miss slovakia & my life there so much? why can i cry at any given moment if i dwell on it for just a minute too long? why am i still dealing with daily sadness & grieving over my losses? it's been 4 months! i am moving on with my life, but my heart is stuck. not every day do i feel the burderns of life outside of slovakia, but it's an overall issue. i long to be happy in hton. it is my heart's desire that i be content with the portion the lord has given me. but for some reason, i'm not. & i don't even want to get into what my life with God is like. it's hot & cold & luke-warm & up & down. i demand intimacy & then i ignore him. it's like nothing i have ever experienced since i have become his child. i have had rebellious streaks, sure, but this is a prolonged complacency that is weighing me down in every area of my life. i keep thinking "life will be better when...". life will be better when i have my own apartment. life will be better when my cat comes to live with me. life will be better when i don't have to wait tables anymore. life will be better when i have a real job with a real paycheck. been there, done that & i still don't feel ok! so like my sweet lisa said in her blog (http://lnkauffman.blogspot.com/) it just helps to get this junk out of me & into words. so that's what i did.